Life's like this

I am turning 21st this year.
Woah i am already an adult. not a child anymore.
its has been a hard month for me.
Due to examination, i wanted to score well, so i am busy with
making note etc etc to be prepared for the exam.

My emotions are like a roller coster ride,especially this week.
My favorite grand father passed away this monday on the 14th July.
When the message reached me, my emotion went crazy.
My mind went blank.
Untill today i feel like crying, even though i wanted to send him off
with a smile...

His body will be returning to mother nature today.
When i knew that i will never be able to see his face for the last time,
i cried myself to sleep last night.I am in Japan currently.
Fuck the exams, Fuck the bad things happen on the Fucking bad timing.
I wasn't to allowed to go home right now as my duty right now is to study hard.Fuck that too.

That is why i am studying harder than usual, i wanted to do my best to score in exams.
It seems like i am paranoid studying japanese civil law with those complicated kanji's.
i looked ok, it seems that i am fine. Fooling around and laughing with friends.
Deep down inside i am a mess, crying like a mad person. i had lost myself in myself.

My friend told me that, it is something we can't help. Studying abroad makes u loose something.
Fuck that as well.

I must be strong, be strong. Maybe i will get better after seeing the sea.
Controlling emotions is what adults do right?

GACKT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It is another Gackt`s birthday.
this will never change, but what changes is
i am in japan,breathing the same air with him,hehehe
and i can send my present just a day before his birthday.
Unlike in Malaysia i have to send out the present one month earlier
if i want it to reach Gackt`s hand on time.>.<.so sad...
But anyway ....

GACKT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Japanese,Weird or Outstanding?

Work is sure hetic in japan.even though you are just
a normal waitress. Working everyday and being busy
with piano lessons, hanging out and so on.
School is starting soon but i am not sad. i want school
to start soon SO I DONT HAVE TO WORK EVERYDAY~!
i didnt mean working is not good because in japan
even as a part-timer they will pay you well.
just that you have to be prepare to be able to
be in two place in one time,have 5 hands 4 ears 3 eyes
and sweet smile to all kind of customer.
Japanese sure is weird, even thought they doesnt like
that person or find that person annoying they still can
laugh along with them everytime.Maybe that is why
japanese customer service is the best i bet.
Weird or outstnading?

some stuff i took as well i really cant decide..
japanese are weird or outstanding?


i dont know what you call this in english
but in cantoness we call it lai liu har.
it suppose to have a soft shell and its pretty hard to
peel it off perfectly but i wonder how the japanese
peel it off without a scratch and put it on a sushi?


nothing special about this bowl of ramen(noodless)
but the name is kitsune ramen aka fox noodless.
haha kinda cute.it is because of the two piece of brown fried
tou-fu on top.that is why they call its fox ramen.haha


this,hahaha..i am speechless when i saw this actually.
black and red tissue paper. yea you will use that
to wipe the s#$% out of your a$$ with either black or blood red.
and its darn expensive 3 rolls for 1000yen or RM30.
...speechless...


i wonder is you can see the word KUNANG-KUNANG.
i bet if you can recall kunang-kunang is firefly in malay.
what is so special about this shop?BECAUSE IT IS IN JAPAN.
omg a malay name shop in japan?@@ and its in AOMORI a small city
compare to tokyo...where some people dont even know where the hell
is Malaysia.well this shop is selling things from south-east asia.
hmm....

Me ~Cooking~hahahaha

i know..i am laughing at myself as well.
Hell i am learning to cook now and i actually like it.
Man~!i never ever i mean NEVER EVER walk into the kitchen
showing interest when my maid or my mum is coooking.
i think cooking will make my shirt stinks.
But hey~!i am into cooking now..i even make pan cakes@@
now i am kinda carzy of making sushi.
well 1st time sushi is damn ugly but then..it became better
wahahha....i knew i can do it....*getting excited*

1st time making sushi


2nd time making sushi


3rd time making sushi


4th time making pro sushi..hehe


closer look


bihun goreng~!!!!XD


mashed potato


A type of clam..damn good(half eaten ehehe)


DIY cheese cake...easy^.^


suki in cooking...ahaha i still think it is funny...
what will my mum think?hahaha

The day where Love is Bless..

too bad i hadn't post this blog on valentine's day.
i was too busy making chocolates for my room mates
and in the evening we went to shopping mall
near our school to have dinner and do some shopping.
And we took sticker photo.
Well it was a fun day.The funniest part is we prank
another guy friend by faking the love letters and stuff.
actually it was all made by me..wahahaha....>=)
i bet until today he will be wondering who sent him that chocolate.hahaha

~The Mold~


Wrote my name for testing..hehe


Ugly but eatable..>.<


Closer look at the ugly chocos


Well but i like this one a lot(the middle one)


Closer look~1^.^


the prank choco..bwahahaha

1998~2007 Bell Constantine Chappi. Rest in Peace

At this moment i am actually quite speechless.
Gackt's miniature dachshund-Bell Constantine Chappi aka Bell



has passed away. I know you might say it is none of my business
but Gackt business is kind of my business as well..right?
Well i know the lost of th pet you loved so damn much.I had a rabbit pet which i call them
rabbit(lame..=.=)thy pass away after accompanying me for 7 years. It was so sad for me.
But the fact is animals do move on faster than human. We cannot change the fact but we just
cant stop ourselves from being sad or cry.Well i cried for my rabbit as well.
As for Gackt case,i bet he will smile instead of crying. He will send Bell of with a smile
and may God bless her rest in peace in heaven.

In loving memories

A new beginning ?

Happy Chinese New year to all my family and friends.
It is 2 minutes to 7th of Feb.
This is my first time spending my Chinese new year far away from my family.
i just have a little feeling inside of me that after coming to japan,i changed.
my thoughts,the things that i did and the things i want to do. Everything
seems to be different.
I broke up with him of course. A guy that i loved so much for the pass 2 years.
A guy that i almost gave up coming to japan. I am glad he is a good guy.
He never wanted me to give up my dreams for him. And he is right. i will
regret if i do not come to japan. But than, because of his generosity, he lost me.
From the moment i cant answer him when he asked me if i love him i know i
am evolving to another me.A new me.
After i come to japan,my desire for freedom grown from 50% to 200%.
And i am ok if there is no one beside me. i am able to face anything alone.
no matter in a snowy day


or an unlucky day


i still can find the one that i am looking for


i have hurt him a lot i know.
but deep down inside my heart, i felt that my life has just began.
i am walking into a future that i do not know.i future that my heart longed desire
but never reveal is now showing itself.

A new me has born.

white birthday?

half an hour has passed since the first minute on my birthday.
such and extraordinary alien feeling i am having now.
i wanted to spend my birthday a lone.. along with the snow that is falling outside..
maybe i am too far away from the people i wanted to spend m birthday with.
when its snowing on christmas people called it white christmas..
when its snowing on birthday.. shall i call it white birthday?^.^


first day of snow...damn hard..that guy in the pic i pity him a lot..


view from my dorm.. on the 11th floor


after the snow storm.. this is what that is left


this is the time when you can go make snowman and snow fight^.^
(ps:kei,the snow man is for you.. hehe)

snow secene?

its called first snow over here..
well i dont quite know if that is the correct translation..>.<
anyway,this is the first time in my life that i saw snow..
made me wonder..mother nature is really something special.
imagine when you are in class and suddenly white flakes
are falling...
i cant really find a word to describe how i feel.
the feeling i have is probably out of this world..
only one thing...its really cold over here..
well one thing's for sure..
i will be having a white birthday...
because i will be spending my birthday with snow falling outside.

in another words...cold and lonely?

New fresh air

Yup, i am breathing in aomori, japan.
Same air that i breath with Gackt, Glay and W-inds.haha.
It's been a month since i first reach japan.
I miss my family n my darling and my friends a lot..
and of course Malaysian food.
Besides food, Malaysian are multi-lingual as well.
That is why Malaysian in my University,most of them are
top students.
Studying in Japan is not as fun and lucky as poeple think.
firstly, we have to learn japanese and make it really fluent.
secondly, all our studies and reports must be in japanese, not to say the
text book.
thirdly, we need to have a part time job.things in Japan are as expensive
as expected.
But anyway, i am already here in japan.I am living my dream by be here.
What more can i say but to try my best huh?


below are red leaves scenery in autumn as if now...

scene from the bridge


scene from the garden


scene from the lake

Paradox~!

パラドクスが欲しい。
何処か行きたい
アイスクリムを食べたい
コンサートへ見たい
遠いし、綺麗だし、静かだし、知り合い人がない場所へ行きたい。
ギータを弾きたい
音楽聞いたら踊りたい
あああああ。。。。。もう頭がペラペラになりました。
離れる気持ちは悪い！！
ヤバいわ！涙が出たから眼鏡が汚いになりました。T＾T

雨の中に、夢があります

今外出、雨が降っています。よかったですね！二日かんには、とても暑かったです。その暑さはたいへん。もういい。。。
その天気がいらない。もういい。。。その気持ちがいらない。
雨が降ったら、全部ものを洗ってあげる。空も、道も、気持ちも。
もうすにほんへ行く。悲しいよ！カウん四日ぐらい。もうすぐ出発するので寂しいです。
ああ、雨が止めた。寝よう！

I love Music

OMG~!Wednesday i went to my guitar's teacher's live band. They are playing jazz all the way.
From that moment i truly fell in love with live music or maybe live bands.
Yesterday i went to my classmate's concert as well. I really have no regrets going there..
even though i have to lie to my parents. Because the concert at Klang and
it would be impossible if they ever let me go there.I din't say lying to parents is a
good thing. But sometimes you just need to follow your heart.
That is why i went there.... And man i had a great time~!!
Jun jun was so great on his guitar. I hit my lap until it was bruise..
haha crazy but i don't care. That happens when i am all so into the music.
Jun jun's guitar skills really did amaze me. and his passion for music can be seen when
he is playing the guitar. You can just feel it.
Argh i am crazy over music i love music.
Why am i taking business law course?

~Countdown~

One week of holiday.
About 2 month from now I am going to Japan. I am just counting down the days,
Hours minutes and seconds. To be honest, i am not prepared. I am still worried,
I still can't pull my self-confidence out of my freaking soul that I am also capable
in speaking Japanese and also study in Japan University.
Counting...5..4..3..2..1...
OK! I am scared, unprepared. My head is full of question mark
Why if the future still so blur to me? Why i can't get hold of my own freaking life,
What I want? What I should do, which is the right choice I should make?
WTF, my mind is really a mess. I am halfway studying for my freaking test, which is
Like 2 days away? And I am hooked to a new (well for me it is) anime call Zombie-loan.
It’s late now. I know I will not get enough sleep already for tomorrow's class.
Even my live-her-life-like-an-owl-classmate went to bed.
I am the only one left online with notes on my desk and Zombie-loan episode 3 loading.
Well, as far as I know I m talking crap. i should go rest my brain, or maybe my eyes.
Jya oyasumi. Minna ga aishiteru yo~!

No music No life~!

It's true.
I love music so damn much.
I love to sing, i love to play guitar.
I love to write lyrics and hell i hope so much that i can compose.
I met quite a lot of people who really love music and listen to music
not just with their ears, but with their heart. They feel the music,
the enjoy it, they translate the notes into feelings.
Well, i am glad i met these 2 person(well 2 person who has passion
for music is already enough and you have to see how damn much they love music.
one, a very skillful guitarist, wanted a band, a rock band. Another guy, he is
good in singing.All he wanted is to be a producer.)
Besides, they are working towards their dreams.These are what i call people who
loves music.
I don't have the gust like them. I have to fulfil my parents need first, and than
i will work towards my dream. I don't know how my future will be,
but i really hope it is the one i want.
I don't have much to say actually. I simply just love music,I can't imagine living
my life without them.
i love music, i love music, i love music....

Will it Change my life forever?

I am going crazy, first i am blogging from my office which it is against the rule, and wild thoughts just running through my head and i think i am going crazy.

Yesterday, which is my mum's birthday as well, i received a call telling me that i got a japan scholarship.which is I AM GOING GOT JAPAN'S UNIVERSITY TO STUDY BUSINESS LAW FOR 4 YEARS!

There i said it. And why am i going crazy?It is because this is a chance that most of the people dying for, and i have the thoughts in my head of not going, well its 50-50. i wanted to go i don't want to go as well.

The reason i wanted to go is, i am so into japan, my idols are Japanese, i love their culture. And going there to study ensure me to learn their language and of course going to concerts, shopping for Cd's(oh that is the most wanted thing i want to do!). and i get to study Law as well.Oh! almost forgot,i can make my parents proud too, if i go.

The reason i don't want to go is, i will miss Malaysia dearly, the food, my bed, my family, my friends and the most highlights my boyfriend. I love him dearly and i am sure to miss him very very much when i go there(the coldness of the winter makes you felt even more lonely).And i am going to learn Law in Japanese. Can you imagine it?Learning something you don't know in a language you don't really know.Maybe its me who don't have faith in myself, oh damn it!

Seems like a great debate here.I wanted to go and yet i don't want to go.Making this decision does really make a big different in my life.I wonder how it will be if i go and how it will be if i don't.

Would i miss something in my life of my family, lover and friends if i go?4 years is not a short period.

Would i regret that in my old days i keep have that picture in my head of me studying in japan and i will die for if i were to given a second chance if i did not go?By then i will only have regrets but no turning back.

My boyfriend said that the bright side of this is our love can be tested and we will know it is our destiny to be together. And also this 4 year time is the time for both of us to prepare for our future. He will work harder and earn more, on the other hand i will do my best to finish my studies.But the bad side is we barely can meet each other...Can you imagine it?i don't want to.

DILEMMA~!!!!!

SAD but Smile

just heard a sad news from Kei...
Bou is leaving an cafe~!!
I am really sad and felt that no one can ever take over Bou place in an cafe...
But i will support him, may he do well in future.
I bet all fans will smile for him as well...
30th of april.Bou's graduation from an cafe..omedetto gozaimasu.


Really glad you are in an cafe..no one can ever replace that Bou of an cafe in my heart.All the Best^.^

I am still alive

i don't know why, lately its like i have a lot to think about,
Maybe i am too busy at work. And i don't think i earn enough to fulfill my lust..
haha i know i can be a shopaholic sometimes.

Last week, i can't really remember the date. I just know the time is (9am something.
i am on my way to work. I got molested on the train. That f***ing guy uses his
you-know-where to rub against my leg. At first i didn't notice anything, just a few guys looking at me
its like there are trying to tell me something. (oh my why didn't they do something when they saw what that
f***ing guy is doing..useless..!)..When i notice what that f***ing guy is doing on my leg i tried to move away
But too bad i didn't have enough space and nobody is trying to save me or what. Than i use my water bottle to bloc my leg
From his you-know-where touch...but he tries to move my water bottle away using his you-know-where.><
At that moment i was so damn angry, i turn around and ask him to stand back! and after that he didn't dare to touch me
So ladies, be sure if you met this kind of f***ing guys, kick them step in their feet mock them. Most importantly
Stand up for yourself; no one is going to help you unless you help yourself!

This Monday, i did a mistake at work. i pulled out a customer ordered book from the reservation counter
and yet the customer had paid a deposit for that book. i even left a remark there to not pull out the book.
i don't know why i pulled that book out. Things happen when that customer came and look for that book.
It was like chaos because it’s a big problem when we couldn't find that book. My department manager came out and explains and work things out with that customer and another manager helping me to locate that book. Eventually he did found that book. the situation is like i made this mess up and two manager's helping me and that did helped me sort things out. Or you can say clean up the mess for me. I was feeling so guilty that day. but i am really really really lucky both of them are good and holly people who doesn't scold people who are under them. not even once...
So, must be really be careful. Be sure to not make mistake when your boss you so much..

I had a fight with my parents not long ago, Last Sunday if i am not mistaken. I walk out on them when they ask me to stay at home because they bought dinner back. Hey, my mum asks me not to follow them to dinner because my dad was mad at me because i shouted at my brother. I've got nothing to eat at home. Due to that i called my Bf and he said he would take me out to eat. And THEN when my bf reaches my house my parents reach as well. My mum said they bought me food. That moment i couldn't think straight. When i am in a bad mood, i can't be at home. That narrow space at home will make my day more blue.That is why i have to get out of home and breath the air outside. Then i will be fine. they were nmad at me untill this thursday that is yesterday. But things seem to be ok now.
that is why, don't be like me. Really bad for family relationships.

This week sure is a tiring week. But hey! i am still alive. Am i stronger by day?

Dreams come true, will it?

Last night i had a dream,
i dreamt i was in a ballroom, there was a stage, a low one.
there wasn't a crowd. but only 20 spectators, including me.
We were all excited because soon glay will be on stage to perform thier latest song.
I remembered when Glay came out, all of us roar with excitement..
I still remembered, Teru's hair was short..he looked really young and sporty..
I love and adore him so much. Along with Hisashi, Jiro and Takuro, the music melted our hearts..
After they finished the song, Teru said something in Japanese, and also in english. i wanted more but they left.
I was so happy when i woke up. It was my dream to meet all 3 of my idols..Glay is one of them.
i wonder if i really have a chance to meet them, i will burst out in tears. I am not a fanatic fan but i am a die heart fan.
i really do love thier songs. they gave me strenght when i was weak, they gave me hope when i don't have one,
they gave me faith when i lost my believe.
i believe in thier songs.
I am very happy eventhough it was just a dream because this kind of dream doesn't come all the time.
But it made me wonder, will dream come true? will i be given a chance to meet them?even once in my entire life?
i am wondering, hoping and praying...
I want to meet them.
Itsuka, aitai.

The courage to move on.

How many times you have fall in life.
The day when you get bad results in your exams
The day your boyfriend dumped you?
The day you got fired from your job?
The day when you got slapped in your face?
The day that you lost everything?
The day when you are broke?
I met a customer today. She looks pretty ordinary when she came to the counter. her smile
is so bright that it made me felt the sunshine and the warm of it. She is just an ordinary person searching for books..
Except that she didn't tell me what book she is looking for, she wrote it on a paper and showed it to me.
Yes, she couldn't speak.
I tried to search and locate the book from my system. but i couldn't find it. I felt so sorry because i wanted
to see her excited face when she knows that the book she is looking for is available. i felt so guilty.
I stood up from the computer and speak to her to tell her i couldn't find the book because it was out of stock. She showed a sign telling me to write down what i've said just now.
Yes, she couldn't hear
i showed a sorry sign to her and again i see her smile and showing me it's ok.then again she thanked me with a smile.
At that moment i can feel the warm feeling rising up to my heart and it triggers the tears in my eyes.
In my mind i suddenly felt that i am much more weaker than she is. Her will to live has outshone my determination. I was
so worried about my results which is coming out this thursday, and i am so insecure about me getting in local universities
and so afraid that i might not cope if i were to study law courses.
What the heck is that, who cares if i got bad results in stpm? i must be grateful for what i got.
i can hear beautiful music, hear sweet talks, i can speak when i am sad, i can speak when i am happy or angry..
i am normal. and yet how dare i was to felt like i am not satisfied with my life?
This girl will have to live a soundless life, and there might be jerks that look down on them, makes them felt bad.
But she, still standing strong, smiling brightly that lighten ups everyone's day.
I know i will surely be crying my heart out if i am not on duty. i will give her a hug because i know love and support from
people are what she needs.
Thanks to her i had learned a valuable lesson in life. May god bless her, may the smile of hers never fade from her face.