Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Round and round but back to where i've started

Yes i didn't update this blog for a month.Now it's April and i've been missing in March. My feelings now it kinda messy. I heard a lot, i've seen a lot, i've felt a lot in a month time. Yea i had made one of my dream come true, i went to guitar lessons. I'm happy about happy. If i could turn back time, i would change a lot of things. But i know i can't. I told myself not to do anything i will regret in the future, but i'm still human,i ain't perfect. I regreted i didn't continue to learn piano, i had a chance back there, my parents willing to let me learn. I was young and naive, a happy-go-lucky girl i am. 7 months and 24 days to go and i'll be 18. I'ts the first year to my adult world. I know i have to be more mature and no more fooling around. I have to make the right decisions and be claer of what i want and what i don't want. I've choosen Law to prociede. My parents supported me, though i love music more and i'm clear about that, just because i don't want them to think i'm not realistic and childish to have such a dream about procieding in music..i've choosen Law.Well at least it's the course i'm interested in.I said to myself. When scool is about to start, and my decisions is about to be a responsibility, i heard another opinion, another point of view from another person. She is a wise lady that i respect. She had succeded in life and still going. She is experienced. She told my mum to prociede in Law, it's hard to earn a living as now more and more lawyers are coming out and it's getting pack. She asked me to reconsider about my decisons. That's when my world is spinning the day i made this decisions. First thing that comes up in my mind is---music. I'm really into music..i don't know why,i didn't get influence by anyone,i love to sing since young,and my dream were to be a singer. But now for me, to be or not to be a singer isn't the question, all i want is to make music, to be a composser or a song writer!When i was asked to reconsider, things like that just pop in my mind, i'm suprise too in a short time my mind spinned so fast. Though i never tell my family about my plan of playing in a band while studying my Law. That's already a pain in my back while thinking of it. But i think it's still ok to prociede in Law and i am not the kind of person that changes desicions in seconds. Then i fell into another dilemma which i think it's kinda stupid for a person of my age to say. But i just can't help myself, thought i've already forgotten the word LOVE. I still dreamt bout it, and falling for the same person once i'm crazy bout. And that person is no normal person, he is a vocalist of a rock band who is married with children. Whenever i mention about it i felt so weak and i hated myself. Felt like wanna dig a big hole and burry myself in it. I though i got over the craze. I though it's only normal idol and fan love. But what the heck am i crying witing this?! Why am i crying everytime i hear his voice, Why in my heart there is a special place for him? Why don't he go away?Why can't i get over him?Why the heck is this craze?Am i out of my mind?Is there someone out there can give me a punch to wake me up from my dream?I don't know what cupid is up to lately, he gave me a very happy dream. I dreamt i was loved and love him back. First thing on my mind--it's him.Argh..i just wanna run away, i don't know where too. I said i wish i could turn back time but i don't want this back!I want to be free untill the right time for me to find the right man.Guess i have to start it over again, to stand up again, to face it all again.Maybe my over active imagination might help, who knows.