white birthday?

half an hour has passed since the first minute on my birthday.
such and extraordinary alien feeling i am having now.
i wanted to spend my birthday a lone.. along with the snow that is falling outside..
maybe i am too far away from the people i wanted to spend m birthday with.
when its snowing on christmas people called it white christmas..
when its snowing on birthday.. shall i call it white birthday?^.^


first day of snow...damn hard..that guy in the pic i pity him a lot..


view from my dorm.. on the 11th floor


after the snow storm.. this is what that is left


this is the time when you can go make snowman and snow fight^.^
(ps:kei,the snow man is for you.. hehe)

snow secene?

its called first snow over here..
well i dont quite know if that is the correct translation..>.<
anyway,this is the first time in my life that i saw snow..
made me wonder..mother nature is really something special.
imagine when you are in class and suddenly white flakes
are falling...
i cant really find a word to describe how i feel.
the feeling i have is probably out of this world..
only one thing...its really cold over here..
well one thing's for sure..
i will be having a white birthday...
because i will be spending my birthday with snow falling outside.

in another words...cold and lonely?

New fresh air

Yup, i am breathing in aomori, japan.
Same air that i breath with Gackt, Glay and W-inds.haha.
It's been a month since i first reach japan.
I miss my family n my darling and my friends a lot..
and of course Malaysian food.
Besides food, Malaysian are multi-lingual as well.
That is why Malaysian in my University,most of them are
top students.
Studying in Japan is not as fun and lucky as poeple think.
firstly, we have to learn japanese and make it really fluent.
secondly, all our studies and reports must be in japanese, not to say the
text book.
thirdly, we need to have a part time job.things in Japan are as expensive
as expected.
But anyway, i am already here in japan.I am living my dream by be here.
What more can i say but to try my best huh?


below are red leaves scenery in autumn as if now...

scene from the bridge


scene from the garden


scene from the lake

Paradox~!

パラドクスが欲しい。
何処か行きたい
アイスクリムを食べたい
コンサートへ見たい
遠いし、綺麗だし、静かだし、知り合い人がない場所へ行きたい。
ギータを弾きたい
音楽聞いたら踊りたい
あああああ。。。。。もう頭がペラペラになりました。
離れる気持ちは悪い！！
ヤバいわ！涙が出たから眼鏡が汚いになりました。T＾T

雨の中に、夢があります

今外出、雨が降っています。よかったですね！二日かんには、とても暑かったです。その暑さはたいへん。もういい。。。
その天気がいらない。もういい。。。その気持ちがいらない。
雨が降ったら、全部ものを洗ってあげる。空も、道も、気持ちも。
もうすにほんへ行く。悲しいよ！カウん四日ぐらい。もうすぐ出発するので寂しいです。
ああ、雨が止めた。寝よう！

I love Music

OMG~!Wednesday i went to my guitar's teacher's live band. They are playing jazz all the way.
From that moment i truly fell in love with live music or maybe live bands.
Yesterday i went to my classmate's concert as well. I really have no regrets going there..
even though i have to lie to my parents. Because the concert at Klang and
it would be impossible if they ever let me go there.I din't say lying to parents is a
good thing. But sometimes you just need to follow your heart.
That is why i went there.... And man i had a great time~!!
Jun jun was so great on his guitar. I hit my lap until it was bruise..
haha crazy but i don't care. That happens when i am all so into the music.
Jun jun's guitar skills really did amaze me. and his passion for music can be seen when
he is playing the guitar. You can just feel it.
Argh i am crazy over music i love music.
Why am i taking business law course?

~Countdown~

One week of holiday.
About 2 month from now I am going to Japan. I am just counting down the days,
Hours minutes and seconds. To be honest, i am not prepared. I am still worried,
I still can't pull my self-confidence out of my freaking soul that I am also capable
in speaking Japanese and also study in Japan University.
Counting...5..4..3..2..1...
OK! I am scared, unprepared. My head is full of question mark
Why if the future still so blur to me? Why i can't get hold of my own freaking life,
What I want? What I should do, which is the right choice I should make?
WTF, my mind is really a mess. I am halfway studying for my freaking test, which is
Like 2 days away? And I am hooked to a new (well for me it is) anime call Zombie-loan.
It’s late now. I know I will not get enough sleep already for tomorrow's class.
Even my live-her-life-like-an-owl-classmate went to bed.
I am the only one left online with notes on my desk and Zombie-loan episode 3 loading.
Well, as far as I know I m talking crap. i should go rest my brain, or maybe my eyes.
Jya oyasumi. Minna ga aishiteru yo~!

No music No life~!

It's true.
I love music so damn much.
I love to sing, i love to play guitar.
I love to write lyrics and hell i hope so much that i can compose.
I met quite a lot of people who really love music and listen to music
not just with their ears, but with their heart. They feel the music,
the enjoy it, they translate the notes into feelings.
Well, i am glad i met these 2 person(well 2 person who has passion
for music is already enough and you have to see how damn much they love music.
one, a very skillful guitarist, wanted a band, a rock band. Another guy, he is
good in singing.All he wanted is to be a producer.)
Besides, they are working towards their dreams.These are what i call people who
loves music.
I don't have the gust like them. I have to fulfil my parents need first, and than
i will work towards my dream. I don't know how my future will be,
but i really hope it is the one i want.
I don't have much to say actually. I simply just love music,I can't imagine living
my life without them.
i love music, i love music, i love music....

Will it Change my life forever?

I am going crazy, first i am blogging from my office which it is against the rule, and wild thoughts just running through my head and i think i am going crazy.

Yesterday, which is my mum's birthday as well, i received a call telling me that i got a japan scholarship.which is I AM GOING GOT JAPAN'S UNIVERSITY TO STUDY BUSINESS LAW FOR 4 YEARS!

There i said it. And why am i going crazy?It is because this is a chance that most of the people dying for, and i have the thoughts in my head of not going, well its 50-50. i wanted to go i don't want to go as well.

The reason i wanted to go is, i am so into japan, my idols are Japanese, i love their culture. And going there to study ensure me to learn their language and of course going to concerts, shopping for Cd's(oh that is the most wanted thing i want to do!). and i get to study Law as well.Oh! almost forgot,i can make my parents proud too, if i go.

The reason i don't want to go is, i will miss Malaysia dearly, the food, my bed, my family, my friends and the most highlights my boyfriend. I love him dearly and i am sure to miss him very very much when i go there(the coldness of the winter makes you felt even more lonely).And i am going to learn Law in Japanese. Can you imagine it?Learning something you don't know in a language you don't really know.Maybe its me who don't have faith in myself, oh damn it!

Seems like a great debate here.I wanted to go and yet i don't want to go.Making this decision does really make a big different in my life.I wonder how it will be if i go and how it will be if i don't.

Would i miss something in my life of my family, lover and friends if i go?4 years is not a short period.

Would i regret that in my old days i keep have that picture in my head of me studying in japan and i will die for if i were to given a second chance if i did not go?By then i will only have regrets but no turning back.

My boyfriend said that the bright side of this is our love can be tested and we will know it is our destiny to be together. And also this 4 year time is the time for both of us to prepare for our future. He will work harder and earn more, on the other hand i will do my best to finish my studies.But the bad side is we barely can meet each other...Can you imagine it?i don't want to.

DILEMMA~!!!!!

SAD but Smile

just heard a sad news from Kei...
Bou is leaving an cafe~!!
I am really sad and felt that no one can ever take over Bou place in an cafe...
But i will support him, may he do well in future.
I bet all fans will smile for him as well...
30th of april.Bou's graduation from an cafe..omedetto gozaimasu.


Really glad you are in an cafe..no one can ever replace that Bou of an cafe in my heart.All the Best^.^

I am still alive

i don't know why, lately its like i have a lot to think about,
Maybe i am too busy at work. And i don't think i earn enough to fulfill my lust..
haha i know i can be a shopaholic sometimes.

Last week, i can't really remember the date. I just know the time is (9am something.
i am on my way to work. I got molested on the train. That f***ing guy uses his
you-know-where to rub against my leg. At first i didn't notice anything, just a few guys looking at me
its like there are trying to tell me something. (oh my why didn't they do something when they saw what that
f***ing guy is doing..useless..!)..When i notice what that f***ing guy is doing on my leg i tried to move away
But too bad i didn't have enough space and nobody is trying to save me or what. Than i use my water bottle to bloc my leg
From his you-know-where touch...but he tries to move my water bottle away using his you-know-where.><
At that moment i was so damn angry, i turn around and ask him to stand back! and after that he didn't dare to touch me
So ladies, be sure if you met this kind of f***ing guys, kick them step in their feet mock them. Most importantly
Stand up for yourself; no one is going to help you unless you help yourself!

This Monday, i did a mistake at work. i pulled out a customer ordered book from the reservation counter
and yet the customer had paid a deposit for that book. i even left a remark there to not pull out the book.
i don't know why i pulled that book out. Things happen when that customer came and look for that book.
It was like chaos because it’s a big problem when we couldn't find that book. My department manager came out and explains and work things out with that customer and another manager helping me to locate that book. Eventually he did found that book. the situation is like i made this mess up and two manager's helping me and that did helped me sort things out. Or you can say clean up the mess for me. I was feeling so guilty that day. but i am really really really lucky both of them are good and holly people who doesn't scold people who are under them. not even once...
So, must be really be careful. Be sure to not make mistake when your boss you so much..

I had a fight with my parents not long ago, Last Sunday if i am not mistaken. I walk out on them when they ask me to stay at home because they bought dinner back. Hey, my mum asks me not to follow them to dinner because my dad was mad at me because i shouted at my brother. I've got nothing to eat at home. Due to that i called my Bf and he said he would take me out to eat. And THEN when my bf reaches my house my parents reach as well. My mum said they bought me food. That moment i couldn't think straight. When i am in a bad mood, i can't be at home. That narrow space at home will make my day more blue.That is why i have to get out of home and breath the air outside. Then i will be fine. they were nmad at me untill this thursday that is yesterday. But things seem to be ok now.
that is why, don't be like me. Really bad for family relationships.

This week sure is a tiring week. But hey! i am still alive. Am i stronger by day?

Dreams come true, will it?

Last night i had a dream,
i dreamt i was in a ballroom, there was a stage, a low one.
there wasn't a crowd. but only 20 spectators, including me.
We were all excited because soon glay will be on stage to perform thier latest song.
I remembered when Glay came out, all of us roar with excitement..
I still remembered, Teru's hair was short..he looked really young and sporty..
I love and adore him so much. Along with Hisashi, Jiro and Takuro, the music melted our hearts..
After they finished the song, Teru said something in Japanese, and also in english. i wanted more but they left.
I was so happy when i woke up. It was my dream to meet all 3 of my idols..Glay is one of them.
i wonder if i really have a chance to meet them, i will burst out in tears. I am not a fanatic fan but i am a die heart fan.
i really do love thier songs. they gave me strenght when i was weak, they gave me hope when i don't have one,
they gave me faith when i lost my believe.
i believe in thier songs.
I am very happy eventhough it was just a dream because this kind of dream doesn't come all the time.
But it made me wonder, will dream come true? will i be given a chance to meet them?even once in my entire life?
i am wondering, hoping and praying...
I want to meet them.
Itsuka, aitai.

The courage to move on.

How many times you have fall in life.
The day when you get bad results in your exams
The day your boyfriend dumped you?
The day you got fired from your job?
The day when you got slapped in your face?
The day that you lost everything?
The day when you are broke?
I met a customer today. She looks pretty ordinary when she came to the counter. her smile
is so bright that it made me felt the sunshine and the warm of it. She is just an ordinary person searching for books..
Except that she didn't tell me what book she is looking for, she wrote it on a paper and showed it to me.
Yes, she couldn't speak.
I tried to search and locate the book from my system. but i couldn't find it. I felt so sorry because i wanted
to see her excited face when she knows that the book she is looking for is available. i felt so guilty.
I stood up from the computer and speak to her to tell her i couldn't find the book because it was out of stock. She showed a sign telling me to write down what i've said just now.
Yes, she couldn't hear
i showed a sorry sign to her and again i see her smile and showing me it's ok.then again she thanked me with a smile.
At that moment i can feel the warm feeling rising up to my heart and it triggers the tears in my eyes.
In my mind i suddenly felt that i am much more weaker than she is. Her will to live has outshone my determination. I was
so worried about my results which is coming out this thursday, and i am so insecure about me getting in local universities
and so afraid that i might not cope if i were to study law courses.
What the heck is that, who cares if i got bad results in stpm? i must be grateful for what i got.
i can hear beautiful music, hear sweet talks, i can speak when i am sad, i can speak when i am happy or angry..
i am normal. and yet how dare i was to felt like i am not satisfied with my life?
This girl will have to live a soundless life, and there might be jerks that look down on them, makes them felt bad.
But she, still standing strong, smiling brightly that lighten ups everyone's day.
I know i will surely be crying my heart out if i am not on duty. i will give her a hug because i know love and support from
people are what she needs.
Thanks to her i had learned a valuable lesson in life. May god bless her, may the smile of hers never fade from her face.

My Precious friends

I love my friends, my best friends. i really do.
i cant imagine my world without them. They lighted up my life.
We laughed together, cried together. We met in highschool and since then we are together always.
After highschool we still hanged out together, but after we got our final exam results we all went different ways,
going to college, University...but we never stop contacting each other and hang out once in a while
Today is the 8th day of Chinese New Year, and we(me, son, kei and nana) went to Shakey's Pizza to hang out.
We chated for hours. All those memories seems coming back to us, about what stupid
and funny things we did, what is the wildest stuff we create..our lifes..what we have been watching lately..
I found that eventhough time has changed, the places around us has changed, the people around us has changed..
but our friendship remain the same. we are still so close to each other eventhough sometimes studies will
create a distance between us, but we never feel apart. Our heart never feel that distance.
We still can chat for hours like usual, just like we did when we always hang out together.
What we think is still the same, what is funny what is hot and what is not. Our interest is still the same.,
Fashion, idols, anime...i am very very lucky to have them. I believe in fate.that is why we are so close together..
For people who is not blood-related but yet they felt like your family is someone you should cherish forever.
I found them, the precious people besides my family and xiang.
To my precious friends, ( you know who you are^.^), may our friendship last forever.

rocky mountaint

Working IS tiring...now i understand why working poeple wanted alcohol..
a little bit of wine really makes you feel relief, it makes you feel calm..
though i am not a alcoholic but i do drink sometimes, after coming back from that
hetic work my desire for drinking grows even more..
I am so tired. My work is a little heavy as i am the assistant, i will help from
one person to another. when i finish one document i will go ask for another.
that is my job. I dont hate it, infact i will do whatever i can to make myself busy.
am i a working freak too?i dont know. i can do everything fast and immediately get another
thing to do. When i go for toilet its only 4minutes flat..
I am tired physically but not tired mentaly.Whenever i think of what can i do
when i get my salary i can keep on going.
i am so busy and tired untill i cant get creative again...
i am a person who is full of imagination, will work and earning money makes me dull..
will my mind drop from fantasy from reality?
i feel like i am climbing a rocky mountaint..everything in front of me isnt easy..
i need to go through alot to achieve something..
though i still dont know what is that thing

LUCKY?

Am i lucky or what?
this is the 3rd part time job i got..
and i got a very very nice manager..who really treats those people under him well..
my previous jobs, my bosses are good person..really..
its kind of tough to be in a new place with new faces around...
it was really uneasy when you felt like you are in a place with strangers,
you feel so alone with no one to rely on...a caring boss will cure it all^^
i wonder what this job can lead me to, and what new experience i can get..
what i can now is work hard and lay back and see....

Oldies~renew~brand new~revive

Heard an oldies on my way to an interview today, i forgot the name but the chorus
sounds like:
Why do i still loving you
When i know that you are not true
Why do i keep calling your name
When you are to blame
For making me blue..

Its short yet beautiful and meaningful, this is the attractiveness of oldies..that is why i listen to them too
(if there is any correction in the chorus above please feel free to tell me)
Got my new job in Kinokuniya, as a part time customer service assistant..
wonder how it is like..but anyhow i feel revive again..
i do not now how is this work will be and how it works.
but i am for sure that i am all alone to face any problems ahead.
i dont have any friends beside me as i am new there...
next tuesday is the day i start my new battle...for the sake of my future
i can no longer ask for money to do what i think is best for me..i need to earn in order to do what is best for me myself

Itsuka boku wa misete ageru, hikarikagayaku, sekai wo(nightmare-the world)

What i want

it had been a bad day for me yesterday, it was so damn bad untill i was lazy to online and blog
My feelings back then its like i was going to kill...pretty bad huh?
I really had a lot on my mind, work, studies, future..i know thinking too much and it might make me
hard to go on in life same as worrying too much..
yesterday i had a bad day its because i can't really find what i wanted.
Mum wants the best for me
Dad wants the best for me
You want the best for me
He wants the best for me
She wants the best for me
They want the best for me
but i dont know what i want and what is best for me. All these years i have been following the path
that is been choosen aka the best for the sake of my future.
What i really wanted?i do not know...
My parents ground me for going to work, because they think it was too dangerous for me
i can understand that and i am thankful enough for them to be so concern.
Due to that i can't go to work and that means no money going in my pocket. Feeling rather down i went watching
my fav anime for now---Keroro Gunso. But my dad came along and nagged. He said i should be reading books. I felt sick
didnt i read enough for the pass two years? i felt like vomitting because i studied too much. 4 thick books of businesse studies, 6 thick books of world, Malaysia, Asia and Islamic HISTORY, the never ending general knowledge and National Language just for the sake to sit for the hardest exam in Malaysia and the 3rd in the world! STPM!
i am not a bright student or what so ever, i tried my best but i cant get flying colours..heck i am dying.
Ok enough of the studies. i offed the pc and went upstairs, thinking bout going for a movie with my brother,
i really need to get out and loosen up abit. i went over and asked my brother if he like to go for a movie with me, that's when my parents nagged at me AGAIN. they said just becasue i earn some money i wanted to spend and why cant a save up those money and why i like to wonder outside?
OK!I WANTED TO GO TO WORK YOU SAID NO, I WANTED TO STAY AT HOME AND DO THE THINGS TO RELAX MYSELF YOU NAGGED! I WANTED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HOME YOU NAGGED AGAIN! WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT? AND WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT?
i really dont know...really!i felt so bad yesterday that i screamed at my bf, i lost control.
but i felt better today. My understanding bf accompany me to places i wanted to go yesterday and my friends standing by my side, chatting with me..thankz you guys. soon i will find what i want.

Changes~

i've changed the way i cover my blanket...i use to fold it twice before i cover it on top of me..
but lately i open it wide...i don't know why, because i used to feel uneasy and weird if i open it wide
but now it had change.

i've changed my message ringtone on my phone. it used to be a light, soft and short ring.
i changed it to some actionpack sound from Kamen raider's show. i don't know why i change it.
maybe its because i like Kamen raider very much. and the ringtone is way cool~!

i changed my attitude, or you can say my way.
it has been a tradition for me to buy new cloths before chinese new year..well most people do
lately i found myself having a desire to buy things with my own money, that is the money i earn from my hard work.
too bad this year i havent got my pay yet, so i dont have money to buy any new cloths.
though i wanted so much too, but i am too proud to ask money from my parents..
its kinda stupid you might say, they are your parents anyway...but i know if i borrow from them
i will be treated as a child again...i will be nag and say i havent earn any money at all and still
need thier help. oh i can remember what they used to tell me last year.

i hope changes are good for me. i dont know where they will lead me to but i hope it is true
that i believed in my own choice.

Life is like a bed of roses with torns

*drip...drip*
I slowly open my eyes again and turn around, watching blood dripping from my finger tips.
I feel a little pain as soon as i saw my own blood.
I hit the wall again, i reached the end of the road again.
Open and close my eyes slowly i suck my finger softly, it hurts a little physically
but it hurts more mentally..
I am lying on a bed of roses, but with torns all around it. before i could touch
and smell the scent of the beautiful rose, i have to move my hands arouond
to feel around and get prickle by torn which revolves around it.
Life is like this, isnt it?
You will fall you will get hurt you will bleed before you can get to the
beautiful future that you hope and wish for. It really hurts sometimes.
You will need courage, bravery, patient and many more to keep you going..
After a while, i start to move my finger around again, hoping to touch that beautiful rose.
*drip...drip*
Blood is dripping again..
guess i hit the wall again.
But i will try again.Don't worry i will be fine.

Whisper of the wind

It has been windy lately.
Maybe it is because Chinese New Year is just around the corner.
I love when the wind blows..when it hits upon my ear drums..
it felt so good..
That is why i love the sea too.
Standing beside the sea makes me calm,
With the wind brushing through my hair and whisper in to my ears..
With the sand underneath my feet and soft waves washing my toe
How you ever wonder the wind actually whisper..
It brought along human's wish, hope, grudge, sadness, happiness..
Listen to it carefully,you might know how lucky you are to be what you are here and now
Maybe someday you can whisper to the wind too, and let it bring to others ears...

NEw YEaR 2007~though its a bit late..

hahaha i seems to be late for new year's post...
gosh i am using this blog for 2 years already...^.^
well i am not the kind of ppl who change things, place or the stuff i like fast..
i like stick to a place and like something for a very long time...
for example Gackt Glay and w-inds...i like them since i was in secondary school..
(now i am already 20)..ahahaha i am not afraid to tell everyone my age...coz i looked young
ppl said that i look more like 17...XD
well here's something i wanted to share...new pv from my fav idols..


1st up is hanamuke...sung by w-inds. i LOVE THAT SONG~!though its a bit sad..TT_TT.but
i love the part where keita singing high pitch...he is great~!!!^.^



2nd is a legendary rock band--GLAY~!!!Man!they have been a band for more than 10 years..they are awesome~!!!^.^
this song is very very light rock..and Glay style..haha..its call 100 man kai no kiss^.^



and finally Gackt~!the God..ahaha i call him that coz he looks like one...XD
perfect~!..though he still have any new pv yet..put there's some picz of his single...^.^


the white colour cover is limited edition and the black colour is normal edition..
darn i want both><

happy new year 2007 to all my beloved family and friends....and of course to my fav idols..
hope this year is a smooth year for you guys~!love ya all^.^